Saturday, September 10, 2016

Threshold

I thought I will write again today. I sat down for Vipassana meditation after a long time and in few minutes my back was in severe pain of the knots that I was trying to open. When I first did Vipassana, I remember I would have a pain like this and a memory related to it. Both will rise severely and dissolve. After meditation, I felt lighter today and didn't feel as angry as I used to feel sometimes.

The life ahead has several possibilities. And we make choices everyday for them. The true moments come rarely and all other times we are chasing the illusions of those moments. In Vipassana, they call it attachment, chasing the perfection. You free yourselves from them and you free yourself from all the pain that attachment brings to you and others around you. That's the endeavor.

Sometimes what people think about you starts mattering so much. A little controversial to say but everyone around me has a question on their face. When will I get married now? Both my sisters are married, settled etc. And me all alone in a city where I have no relatives. I definitely should get married. The pressure starts affecting. 

But I have a parallel realization. Every life on this planet has a purpose. May be my purpose was to serve my parents through their illness. Now it is time to find self. To see what Yogis hiding in Himalayas are doing or Monks in monasteries are doing, how can I immerse myself in art of building the businesses,  what's their in world's best education systems, how lives of all of us are interconnected. 

If any of you who is married is reading this, probably would say all these curiosities doesn't matter. Everybody should get married and have kids. But you know what, they matter to me. I want to train for Triathlon and travel to Tibet. I want to climb up the mountains and swim in the sea to feel the waves falling on me. and find myself through the world. I want to feel more connected to my family and heal with them and not fight with them or hurt them anymore. You know like getting the basics right about life before giving a commitment to someone that I can take care of them.

I want to shed kilos and read every book on my list. I want to write more, learn photography and find harmony in the music. I want to see my life through my lens, not through the lens of people who are married and think that's the way forward for any single woman.

We can't control the course of life. My perfectly healthy parents one day, felt so ill, that it was a storm in the family. Whatever plans we all made, never went anywhere. Their plans to save money so that they can live an old age together, our plans to build our career and see the world. Nothing went anywhere. You can't control. So, why bother! All I can do is get less anxious of what is still to come and remind myself of the lessons taught by the past,

Life hacks. Seriously. So, let me stop living other people's lives and live mine! And seriously, I don't want your advice.

3 comments:

  1. No one should ever have to live other people's idea of life but their own. Being married is wrongly believed to mean settled. One gets settled when the life is lived as per their own dreams and aspirations.
    It is an Indian thing. Do engineering in college and you will settle well. Find a corporate job and you will settle well. Marry by 28-30 and you will be settled.
    Why is it always about the future and not the present?
    Do what you want and you will be happy. Travel solo to Tawang and you will be happy. Scale the Himalayas and you will be happy.

    I'm so happy for you dear Saloni for breaking free from a lot of notions and doing what you are. You had the courage to call out of line. Lots and lots of love and regards.

    ReplyDelete
  2. The simplicity with which you've defined your choices is perfect. Beyond the pain lies the beauty.
    This world will expect you to be a good child, a good sibling, a good parent, a good student, a good spouse, a good citizen, a good friend.... a good every one. And you'll tell this world that it is too good to be. You live for this world and eventually, you'll be a good every one. But in your heart you'll miss that someone that you ever wanted to be. So I'm telling this straight to you - either you live for everyone or you live for yourself. And whatever you choose, live totally and completely.

    ReplyDelete