Monday, May 2, 2016

the speaking life

My brain says, "No one should be going through this". 10 years ago, my father suffered from paralysis. I was still in college, my younger sister still in school and my elder sister building her career.  The local doctor didn't put the medicine that could have reversed the stroke. With that, a fate of the family was written.

A family of three daughters, all engineers, bright and promising. A mother who took charge of taking the best care of her husband but got trapped in the more severe disease of Alzheimer's , a very early onset for her age. Since then, the health of parents became a constant anxiety, a guilt that we are not doing enough as daughters, an interior struggle of still trying to find a life of normal women in 20s. But in an illness that lasted for 10 years now and reaching its end, nothing is normal.

There is anger and resentment. I am pissed at the universe. For not giving me normal life. For making me go through suffering of parents and all the craziness and brokenness that comes with it. I kept finding answers, in people I dated, in the actions of my sisters and people I looked upon, in the textbooks of spirituality. But the anger has grown that I was dealt a bad hand. 

Every person I know has a similar story. Something made them a part of tornado they could not escape from. Something killed their potential. Poverty, conservative parents, divorce, being orphaned at early age, being separated from wife, troubling in-laws, heartbreaks, empty marriages, being dominated upon by spouses, being abandoned by a lover. I see their suffering similar to mine. I have no answers to give them. I have  one answer to give myself - that life was not supposed to be scarred this badly. The world needs healing like I do.

I sometime wonder that may be I am going through depression and I should seek help as I can't find happiness inside. But I am merely looking to find answers of these sufferings. How to live? Budhha found something by going within, found the answers to those suffering. No book on happiness and overcoming suffering gave me hope as much as the idea of going within does. No conversation could help me heal the way more than the idea of finding the healing within does.

My mother is at death bed. She has a weak throat which an old belief calls death threat. She has lived the life of love and duty. But she suffered too. In her current situation, she sleeps most of the day. But when she is up, she looks at the ceiling, waiting for her answer, I don't know the mystery of the soul. How much the soul has been left when there is no brain? If her soul is left, then is she troubled by suffering? What will happen in her next life?

I am waiting for her death too now. For her suffering to end. We three sisters spoke to the doctor about minimizing her suffering so that she can go peacefully, without pain and struggle, without gasping for breath, without the physical suffering of IVs and needles, 

Standing on face of death of another parent, in two years time, I can't help but think that the life I am building for myself is a life that will meet its end no differently. I need to go within, to find the voice of self that has been suffocated in the midst of finding external happiness while surrounded by so much suffering. 

My brain no longer sees happy people. I only see suffering. I have filtered out that happy people can actually exist. I see instances of escapes of suffering, by traveling around the world, by getting married, by having poker nights or a shopping weekend. I don't see authentic happiness, may be pursuit of it.

I am drawn to the idea of Budhha more than ever before, to a point where I want to walk on that path as soon as my mother meets her maker. I want to disappear within to find authenticity, in my own darkness. I will step out of it by stepping in within, soon.