Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Would It Help?

It has been long that I have written. And it seems like that I have lost that touch with myself.  I have been thinking of writing for a while.

In last few days, I have been going through the phase of developing agitation, attachment and aversions. The phase of not being a Buddhist at all. I think I never was able to become one. But I had a root in spirituality somewhere. I think I have lost that. You might be able to diagnose it when you read.

My mum has reached a very advanced stage of Dementia and we have two people taking care of her right now. She wakes up in the morning with help, eat, drink and change clothes with help. She cannot repeat my name any more. She cannot tell whether she is hungry.

Have you ever wondered how life should end? I would prefer to die in a car accident. Not really like my dad died or the way my mom is approaching death. But an in-the-moment death. Einstein once said that “Everything is determined, the beginning as well as the end, by forces over which we have no control. It is determined for the insect, as well as for the star. Human beings, vegetables, or cosmic dust, we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible piper.”  huh! What a waste of a wish.

I am currently reading this book called "Altruism" by Mattieu Ricard. Although I just spoke about death but honestly I want to live life to the fullest before I die. Take care of my mother the way she deserves in her last days. But after that, I want to live a life of a mediator. For few months or few years. I want to get rid of attachments and aversions. I want to develop what Buddhist called "Maitri Bhavna" where you loving kindness extends to all people in the world.

No. This is not a temporary impact of a book. But something I have been deeply thinking about for a while. I am writing this today to get these thoughts out in some space which makes it happen. Some energy in which I can get tune with.

My friend asked me one day, if I have been practicing Vipassana lately. I told her that I am not able to. In a set-up of a family, social life, lot of variable play their roles. There is no set routine. I start it but discontinue it. But as I was reading the book today, incidentally, I remembered everything that I thought through during those 10-days. Exact same thoughts. Some razor-sharp focussed chains of thoughts. I don't remember any other time in my life which I can feel so vividly.

Did I ever tell you that it is scientifically proven that routines make you powerful, kills your uncertainity, makes life more predictable. We train our teachers also on routines, they should kill inefficiencies in their classroom using routines like paper passing, entry, exit, seat signals etc.

Vipassana needs to be a routine too. I am one of the examples of preaching and not practicing! Guilty and self-tormenting. But doesn't help. I also torment myself for not exercising enough, not reading enough, not watching TED Talks enough, not taking care of my mum enough and the list goes on.

Did you see this movie "The Bridge of Spies"? When Tom Hanks asks the Russian spy "Don't you get worried?" He answers back, "Would it help?"

I think of these three words and try to relate back this endless pursuit and anxiety from work, to office to home, to trying to be everything and do everything. It makes me so depressed. I will become a practicing meditator one day but right now worrying about it, doesn't help.

Will keep talking.

Love,
Saloni

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