Thursday, November 19, 2015

Breathe

I am writing from the hospital today. My mom got two seizures this morning. The dementia patients get that in later stage. But we just thought to have her admitted instead of thinking this is the normal course. So the doc chose a different med and conducted more tests.

What a life. And what depressing thoughts you get in the hospital. How will she die? How will I die? Who will be beside me when I die? Will i recognize them? My mom doesn't.

Have you heard about samadhi all the saint achieve? How cool a death that than dying in a stupid hospital.

Dementia is a hard disease to die with, harder than a cardiac stroke. The slow death, the confusion, the immobility, the incapability to understand anything, inability to say what you want to say. It makes you blind, mute and paralytic. As if the soul is leaving slowly, identity is lost. And some traces are there. That too slowly getting lost.

Doctors choose to live life wierdly. Kissing the fact of death every day. Caretakers of patients go through so much struggle. Even the most expensive hospitals are inefficient. Poorly designed usually. Making caretakers run around from one building to another, making them feel ousted. I watched a movie long ago in which the doctor is asked, "why do they have visitng hours? Doesn't it help the patient to be visited?"


We have a wedding in the house. My younger sister is getting marrief. So we doing all that halla gulla and then we have our mum on the other hand, almost at the last stage of her disease. Sometimes i'm scared that my mum doesnt go away without seeing my sister's wedding. How will she get married if that happens? Can't afford to worry the tragedies that my mind keeps creating. It always imagines the worst. The situations have made me pessimistic or my pessimism is my natural weakness. I am not sure

I meditated today. For 20 minutes. I have taken up that challenge of meditating for 21 days. They say it changes the circuits of the brain if you do everyday for just 20 minutes. And the effect kicks in within 21 days. Make. Beleive.

I am thinking of what will i do once my mum goes away. I think i will feel a big vaccuum and i probably will have no idea of what to do with my life.

I am currently managing a house with 2 caretakers, 1 cook and 1 cleaning lady. My sister leaves after getting married. Whenever my mom leaves, there will be need of no people in the house.  It will be a huge vaccuum. Wandering too much

Back to the present. A sofa in the hospital. And everyone around still. Breathe.


4 comments:

  1. I'm speechless Saloni.. Lots of hugs to you.. I can't even imagine what it's like for you.. Take care, and I hope meditating everyday helps..

    ReplyDelete
  2. Am moved... I can feel a bit of what you must be going through even though we are so far from each other now... Take care of aunty and convey my best wishes to Suhani... And hats off to you for managing the light amidst all the darkness!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. You have been a bed rock of support to all those who ever crossed your life, and for me definitely. I have often cherished the love and care you endowed on me. You always have been a very special person, and it's the specials who get tested the most. Lots of love and prayers for you dearest saloni. And congratulations to suhani.

    ReplyDelete