Sunday, May 11, 2014

Finality

It is one of the most difficult posts that I am going to write. Because today, I am talking about the a finality that I have to accept. When I read Ayn Rand years ago, what stuck me most was this quote:
"I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine"
If you have read the book, you would know that it doesn't mean an individual has to be selfish. It means that every moment of your life should have a purpose that is of your own - if it means that you are serving others, you are serving yourself and that is because you want to. You don't say I am living for the purpose of x, y and z person. As soon as you start intertwining your life like this, you lose what your soul is meant for.
I have a difficult decision to make. My parents are not going to get better. I cannot understand what they are going through the illness and I have no clue what is the right course of action for me to do except knowing that my life has a purpose and that purpose needs to be achieved. My sister and mine most important 20s have spent in hospitals for our parents. I am not complaining, but the fact is that I have seen shopping malls lesser than hospital in last couple of years. We have practically done nothing beyond keeping up with our jobs and that too we have just managed. No exploration or travel or vacation that we could plan.
Our relatives makes us feel guilty for not quitting our jobs and living with our parents or taking a holiday which is not for our parents. Our parents are in no position that they can help us build our lives. We have to take care of it - our career, our financial stability, our future and all the successes and failures. Destabilizing our individual lives and career. Is that the answer? Leaving our parents alone - Is that the answer? I really have no clear cut solution to this problem except knowing that there is severe urge within to stop living like this. To live in scare of running across the country any moment, to have uncertainty of death every third or fourth month, to spending all our holidays and vacations in mending and caring for our parents. What does the dharma says? Do our duties? Isin't there a duty towards ourselves. To be happy, to live life fully for ourselves. Is life not meant to be like this?

I worked at Teach for India and people think that I wanted to do it for social service. NO! I did it because I found it meaningful for my life and my intellectual capacity. I helped my parents not as a duty but as something I wanted to do. that was a life choice. But now, when things are beyond my control, when the only reciprocation to my parents' situations is helpnessess, I feel like quitting from the choice that I made. I have started feeling the more important justice will be to give more emphasis to my life and my sister's life. Those battles are still on. Those battles I can still fight and can still won. To not become  middle-aged women whose only important impressions of life are its struggle and misery. I sometimes feel I have already reached my middle age. I don't act or behave like other 28 years olds at all. Well, I never acted or behaved my age but suddenly in last couple of years, I have aged faster than years went by.

I want to live for the purpose of life.


1 comment:

  1. I have been following you closely for the past one year..I truly respect you for your strength and wisdom.. There is no doubt u are not the ordinary 28year old..u are by far much mature..I'm a 23 year old girl who is simply attracted to your strength..I am in no position to Advice or anything to you..but I feel.. You shud live your life..do what u feel like it..u cannot have the heart to leave your parents but try to do things u enjoy and Feel happy.. As u are doing a great job..I believe in karma..good things happen to good people and u are great.. I know it's difficult.. I cannot imagine what u are going thru.. God gives the toughest battles only to his strongest soldiers..

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