I have had a trouble accepting that both my parents have fallen sick at such an early age. In my home, where my mother used to cook food, pray, sing, invite guests and get ready, In that home, she is not able to do simple of tasks of eating, sitting, standing, going to toilet, talking in one single sentence. She has Dementia – a disease which is led by reduction of brain size, lack of oxygen supply and continuous loss of cognitive ability. She would cry sometimes like today she did, telling me that why I can’t even say one complete sentence. She was trying to recall who came in our house three days ago and for fifteen minutes kept on saying things related to her but couldn’t recall who it was. When she finally did, she broke down saying that there was a day when she got this jolt, this shock which made her like this.
My father faced medical crisis as well. He got a paralytic attack and doctor in the small town we lived, ignored it for over a night. Next morning when my mom just took him out of that hospital and reached Apollo Hospitals, Delhi, the paralysis couldn’t be reversed. He faced his second heart attack last year and that impacted his kidney function. His life is at-risk with doctors keep telling us to stay ready.
We have become numb.
While we three daughters have pitched in whenever we can, but on the daily basis, the struggle of an abnormal situation at home doesn’t keep us happy in whatever we do. It impacts our daily functioning in subconscious way. The protection of parents has gone and the responsibility came before we were ready. Life is dry and we keep coping up. Accepting is hard, the emotions have mostly been numbed. They say, “invest in your living”. We face a question of stopping living the way people of our age do, and living the way to be there for our parents. I have been escaping, avoiding the acceptance wholeheartedly. Defying my own self in the mirror. Like we don’t accept happiness wholeheartedly, we don’t grieve whole-heartedly. We keep holding onto dangerous hopes that things will be normal.
Well, there is always a reason to feel not good enough.