Thursday, April 17, 2014

Investing in living

I have had a trouble accepting that both my parents have fallen sick at such an early age. In my home, where my mother used to cook food, pray, sing, invite guests and get ready, In that home, she is not able to do simple of tasks of eating, sitting, standing, going to toilet, talking in one single sentence. She has Dementia – a disease which is led by reduction of brain size, lack of oxygen supply and continuous loss of cognitive ability. She would cry sometimes like today she did, telling me that why I can’t even say one complete sentence. She was trying to recall who came in our house three days ago and for fifteen minutes kept on saying things related to her but couldn’t recall who it was. When she finally did, she broke down saying that there was a day when she got this jolt, this shock which made her like this.

My father faced medical crisis as well. He got a paralytic attack and doctor in the small town we lived, ignored it for over a night. Next morning when my mom just took him out of that hospital and reached Apollo Hospitals, Delhi, the paralysis couldn’t be reversed. He faced his second heart attack last year and that impacted his kidney function. His life is at-risk with doctors keep telling us to stay ready.

We have become numb.

While we three daughters have pitched in whenever we can, but on the daily basis, the struggle of an abnormal situation at home doesn’t keep us happy in whatever we do. It impacts our daily functioning in subconscious way. The protection of parents has gone and the responsibility came before we were ready. Life is dry and we keep coping up. Accepting is hard, the emotions have mostly been numbed. They say, “invest in your living”. We face a question of stopping living the way people of our age do, and living the way to be there for our parents. I have been escaping, avoiding the acceptance wholeheartedly. Defying my own self in the mirror. Like we don’t accept happiness wholeheartedly, we don’t grieve whole-heartedly. We keep holding onto dangerous hopes that things will be normal.

Well, there is always a reason to feel not good enough.


  1. You have always inspired me with your write-ups. Please do not give up hope. I am sharing few quotes that inspires me.

    Quotes by Daisaku Ikeda

    "While it is absurd to reject medical science, the principal factor in overcoming illness is the patient and his or her “life force.” In medical terms, it is our capacity to heal ourselves. Life force is a mystic phenomenon that transcends human understanding."

    "It is precisely because we battle with sickness that we are able to experience firsthand the best and worst in life, allowing us to forge the strength within ourselves that will never succumb. That time of struggle enables one to empathize with the suffering of the sick."

    "The key to battling illness lies in summoning a vigorous life-force and a positive fighting spirit. This brings out the full effectiveness of a curative treatment."

    "Sickness and death are unavoidable in life. To experience illness is not itself misfortune, but to be defeated by illness is misfortune."

    "It is painful to suffer illness, but the most painful thing of all is to feel abandoned by everyone, that no one cares about you. When the dark hole of despair pierces your heart, your life force drains away. That is why it is so important not to abandon or forget those who are sick or in trouble. We need to continuously and gently communicate to them that we sincerely want them to get better."

  2. The last quote is the one that I have been feeling the most. In regularity of my life, I am forgetting what my parents are going through.

  3. Unsure of what to say. I feel so terrible about all the complains I make, but You lady are truly strong. "God gives the life's biggest challenges to His most loved children because only they are capable enough to deal with it..." ~ someone told me ones.