Something does not seem right. I have divided kids into groups and yet I am not able to keep up with the pace of each group, each child and each style. Can an individual teach like this? I wished to optimize and I still wish to. As soon as I start writing this, I want to leave this and go and draft worksheets addressing different audiences. There is so much turbulence in this job. I think it is there in every job but it depends on how many responsibilities one is ready to take.
Few kids don’t make noise. I sometimes don’t see them what they have learnt. At the end of the day, I see their faces and still don’t know whether they got what I taught. I wish to spend more time with each individual child, see her growing in her studies, in learning from one objective to combination of objectives. I want to open the brain of each child and know how they are assimilating information I post to them and where do they keep it – in their permanent or temporary memory?
I see their books and hope that all students find them as easy as I and that they are able to do it as quickly as I can do. But I am not at their level, I still don’t completely understand challenges their brain gives to them. I don’t recall much about my own second standard but I hope that these kids remember each objective I taught them, that I don’t have to revise this often. Their silly mistakes screw up my data. I know a kid knows the answer but she is not writing it down. Why not? I send this questions in empty classrooms of afternoon.
I imagine classrooms I saw during trainings and visualize how much possibilities exist of achieving in first year. And then think about my class which got painted before Diwali but still hadn’t all charts on the walls. I try to prioritize but all variables are not in my hands. I cannot control few things. Two Pillars of planning and executing are not matching. I am planning something else and reaching somewhere else. Dynamics are not dependent on me. In my previous job, I would fix the bug and see the output, try, retry but still would see the errors. But I always knew where I needed to put the band-aid. But here, water flows from all directions. It blinds me so much that I can’t figure out where is the leak. Dynamics are more intense. I don’t have all available pointers.
I wish to replan and think again about execution. I wish to make best use of my time and of the kids.