I have been deliberately out of the blog-sphere for a while....Hiding.....because howsoever good I have been in my applications....how much honestly hard-working I have been...how much purely I was wishing to get accepted in a good business school....I have started feeling beyond a point nothing is in my control...I have controlled what I could control...and now the result is inevitable.
Waiting is dreadful.....because it gave you a sense of loss that is round the corner....I say loss because the way things have turned out in round 1, I have felt that is what I am going to end up with.
The calculus of my psyche is working in only one direction - What I am going to do if I get dinged from all business schools that I have applied to? What will I do in round 2 ? Should I use same career goals? or my leadership stories? or description of my extra-curricular activities? Or in another next month I revamp my essays? Will I be able to introspect and find out what's wrong in my vision of my career or in my way of being a leader so that a good business school accepts me? Or does it mean I am still not ready for a good business school right now? Or I am not ready at all?....Waiting is a dragon and howsoever I try to console myself that this is not going to happen....that a good business school will accept me. I will get a beautiful 2KB email saying Congratulations...may be even a phone call that says we would love to have you here. May be within a month I may join facebook group of accepted candidates. But honestly, I know somewhere deep inside a dreamer's dream all this is...
I was invited for interview from 2 of 4 schools I applied to. And I screwed up one interview which I wanted to be so damn perfect. Those 30 minutes of that interview keep on haunting me since as many days and nights I have been past it, wishing that the interviewer saw my honest efforts and realize my potential behind the rambling I did. I may get acceptance from the second school but that is not really what I wanted to end up with, so decision of accept from that school may not compensate the loss I foresee from three other schools. The three losses will hurt me higher than one win can make me feel good.
I have heard when you really want something right from your heart, you will get it. I sincerely pray that I am not an exception to this rule. I have lot of optimistic things in my life and I hope they give me strength if a difficult time is written for me ahead although I know Krishna will bless!