Friday, September 18, 2015

The elusive

I know it has been a long time I wrote. The choice of color on my blog must be telling you how careless I've become. It signifies that I have lost touch with myself. 

I am not going to lie. I have lost the power of connection. There is still something good in me that lot of people trust. But I think I have lost it. I have become a jealous, insecure, depressed version of myself. I have faced sadness before. Lots of it. But it still kept me hopeful and resilient. It made me instantly connected to likes of Andy in The Shawshank Redemption. But now I've even lost that. The ability to feel anything deep. I have become shallow in some ways I don't understand. That I don't know what to write anymore. Have you ever felt that?

I am lost at work and home, and yet I try to be good at sleep, read, meditate, swim, cycle, yoga etc. But I just feel I'm more lost than when I wasn't doing any of this. The more evolved I thought these things will make me, the more slaved I've become of them. The increased wisdom torments me or I just am not getting wiser. Everything is passing through me like I've no ability to absorb it.

There is some constant anxiety of sorts, a disorder may be. But I feel sometimes that I've lost some vital energy I used to have once, the zest of youth, the charm of doing something great. Something that mattered has died. Failures or may be my inability to control life has left some scars that keeps creating some heated radiation inside.

I am also not sure if I've found what I was seeking all these years. Some trap has made me to stop looking beyond what I was able to see when I was young. I am just left with some philosphy which I can use to rationalize when anyone argues with me. I don't know what I believe in any more. My unconscious brain hits up when I'm just awake from sleep and often tells me how many mistakes I have done that day, mistakes that my Zuhari window can see. Then sometimes I hear the mistakes other people see. And I just feel so inadequate not being up to the mark. Of being so stupid, inefficient, anxious, unproductive, incapable.

I don't know what success means. I've got everything I had wanted. And yet, I am so lost again. I don't want anything more. I don't dream of owning a bigger house or a car but may be to get lost in woods somewhere, to live life normally without complicated expectations that success brings you. I would rather be in a Vipassana ashram then talking to people. May be I've become introvert.

I have lost the reason to live. The real reason. It doesn't lie in dining out or talking incessantly. The mundane irrelevant stuff is all I desire right now.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

12'o clock Insomnic

It is past 12'o clock in the night. I just had a call with a friend, a frank call after a long time. I quietly read my book, kept it upside down and then have come here to write. Writing feels natural. It feels it is a sign that I'm healthy, that I'm alive, It also oozes out some pain,

The other thing which brought me back was the comment on my last post. I couldn't believe someone who knows me only through this blog, would be calling out for me in his head and I will decide to write the blog. The night is very peaceful today. Calming my stirring from few minutes back.

I am not sure what to write about today. I haven't done lot of things in life that I can talk about. I can talk about the books I like to read. I used to read lot of biographies earlier and then with time it got discontinued. And few days back, I look at my Amazon cart, and it has diligently stored few books for me, that I haven't deleted nor ordered. Surprisingly, all of them were biographies.

Oh! I have a story to tell you. Today morning CEO of my new company and I were discussing about a business proposal we had sent and those people wanted heavy discount. Frankly, that was unreasonable. Now, he put all of this very nicely. He said, like M.K.Gandhi, I would tell them "Squeeze and Squeeze out of me..and then what?" Will you be lowering down me or yourself. He sounded so self-assured. I loved that. I love that entrepreneurs are so fearless people. He always advise me to be fearless. I think he knows that I can't be. So, he has to keep reminding me. His way of coaching me, may be.

I will sleep peacefully tonight. I promise. You sleep well too..Love..Be Happy.. 

Sunday, May 3, 2015

The last spring of 20s

Wo! I am writing on my blog after eternity. There are lots of things I want to talk about. I have been going for swimming for a week now. Today, I felt finally that my swimming was becoming effortless and mundane. I want to swim in lonely waters. It annoys me when I've people around me. It annoys me more when I've people that I know. I get distracted not only in swimming but in my thoughts. It is lovely to swim alone. After a week long of hard work under pressure and partying out every night, swimming on Sunday morning and listening to Jazz after that, makes it a perfect day.

I have been out of the blog for a variety of reasons. One, I have been switching jobs. And the old job took away a lot of happy energy out of me, so I didn't feel like writing. But the new job is exciting! I have become a Business Head, managing a company's entire business on Teachers Training. We already on our way to make it the best program that it could possibly be. I have an exciting team and supervisors, who I look forward to work every day. May be the charm of novelty but so far, people in my company have been far above my expectations. Few are the kinds, you want to sit down over the beer in the evening, every once in a while.

Two, I have been in a relationship for a while. And while it has all its ups and downs, but I think I have found the right person who gives confidence and strength. Although, I have started feeling lately that I'm more demanding than I should be and less independent than I was. I will just call it "relationship blues" and let it pass.

I am growing older for sure. When I was swimming this morning, I had felt I used to be very creative and authentic than I am today. There is hint of corruption  of soul that is developing some ingenuity. May be it is some time for spiritual uplifting. Lot of time, I feel like going to Auroville and spend some time there for a week, read Savitri and Integral Yoga, do some research on Sri Aurobindo's life and feel uplifted. Other times, I think to play lots of sports, watch some great movies, read 100s of books and listen to all the music while having some cold beer.

Life has changed. If I look at it, last year, the things that worried me were hopes for my family to recover from a difficult time. This year has been generous so far. Grateful to it all!


Saturday, October 11, 2014

Shapes of the shadows

A friend of mine wanted me to write on the blog and her upbeat chirpy insistence has brought me back to this blog on a bright and sunny Saturday afternoon. Till quite a few months, I have been writing mostly when I am little disturbed and feeling like pouring out. I think what's good about writing in a disturbed situation is that sometimes the act of sharing fastens the healing process and sometimes the responses I receive touches me. I have received beautiful emails, so beautiful, that by responding to them I have felt I would diminish their beauty. I know it is a strange psyche and I definitely do not have a right rational behind it. But responding to the anonymity would create dissonance of familiarization which probably can be a little claustrophobic. Doesn't mean I don't want to connect with the people who wrote back but  that I want to connect to them with the same anonymity, the connection remaining unidentified.

Anyway, I think this desire to return on the blog in a rather "undisturbed" state of mind is a luxury. It does tell that I am on the path of recovery. I think a few days of normalcy and daily routine has helped. For last three years, life was testing me, pushing me and asking me to understand it. Now I have hit a plateau in my quest of understanding life. So there is calmness.

Late last night, or early morning rather, we were at Westin, where we had a luxury of having 2 beers below a majestic glass ceiling exposing the weakness of the moonlight against a well-lit crush hall. Afterwards, we were dropping a friend to her building that could be accessed only through a small uneven bouncy patch with slum dwellers living on one side. While we were returning partying, the women of the slum were up early to fill in their buckets because that might have been their water hour. Whenever I pass on the place like that, I think of life that I left behind. I was wondering the comfort of Westin to the comfort of the days when I used to be in Ummeed. When waking up at the dawn would mean to wake the boys up for school and make sure they attend the school despite their daily inadequacy of streets puts them into self-doubts of mainstream classrooms 

I was brought back from my thoughts by the headlight of my friend's Scorpio falling on to the face of a woman of the slum. Unlike the shadowed-over moonlight from the glass-ceiling in the Westin, the headlight gave this woman' face an illumination, a kind of a spotlight. I recognized her with an anonymity and yet the cognizance of the harshness that life might be bringing to her. And like Gandhi's talisman, a face of the poor that I will remember.

When I had joined Teach for India, I was told by one fine 40-year old gentleman that "Oh! I wish I had got an opportunity like this at your age" And I could relate to that statement more now. I think wherever I will go, Teach for India experience stays in my heart and might as well send me back where I had this sense of belonging and sense of comfort which is still untouched and raw despite the little luxury that has entered in my life. It was indeed right to spend my youthful years in trying to scale the magnanimity of the crisis. Because everything else - money, comfort and luxury  comes back but that pure feelings are hard to find. And nothing can replace that.

The loss of a parent and his struggle for last three years had been very devastating. May be the storm is over. May be life can be planned. May be life will be little less testing. May be it wouldn't matter if it will test. But life might be lived with reminder of what life was, and that will make the act of living more meaningful.

I was in the swimming pool last evening gasping for breath of a struggling swimmer. But that struggle cleansed me. Struggle always cleanses. I am heading for a day long Vipassana tomorrow in the pursuit of more cleansing, of understanding more dark shadows and more spotlights and where I belong.